My Immortal Parody
by dreamcatcher94123
Summary: A little parody of the terrible fic My Immortal
1. Chapter 1

AN: Okay, guys. This is written solely for the sake of entertainment only. I read the terrible fanfiction My Immortal in all it's bloody trainwreck, and decided to make it funnier, more in character, and also actually fix the grammar and spelling (and not the Raven way, either). I don't own Harry Potter, that belongs to J.K. Rowling, the beloved author of my childhood, and I don't own Tara's messed up characters either.

Chapter 1

Special fangs (get it, 'cause I'm gothic) to my gf, except ew not in that way you sick preps, Raven, bloodytearz666 for not helping me with this horrible story and destroying my brain cells with her spelling. You rock my fucking socks, girrrrrl! Justin, sweetie, you're the love of my very depressing and gothic life! You rock too! Oh, and MCR ROCKS HARDCORE OMG DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM?

Hi! My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, and I have long ebony black hair, which my parents somehow knew about when I was born, with purple streaks and red tips that reach my mid-back. Oh, then there's my icy blue eyes which are like clear tears, because you know, tears are usually blood. A lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (If you don't know who she is, then get the fuck out of here posers!) I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie, and incest is soooo hot! I'm a vampire, but my teeth are straight and white, not pink and rotted like a lot of movies and stuff portray. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to Hogwarts, which is in Scotland, of course. I'm a seventh year, and I'm obviously seventeen you idiots! I'm a goth, you know, in case you couldn't tell, even though I haven't done anything remotely gothic up to this point, and I only wear the blackest black. I love Hot Topic, because it doesn't have preps or posers shopping there, and I buy all my clothes from there! For example, today I was wearing a black school skirt that went a few inches above my knees, a black school shirt, and my house tie, which was Slytherin (duh), so it was green and silver, because the stupid preps at my school complain if I'm not in dress code. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation because I love to look like a ghost, black eyeliner, and definitely black eyeshadow. I was walking outside when the most peculiar thing happened! It was raining AND snowing for the first time in weather history, and weirdly enough there was no Sun, which I was extremely depressed about, because I'm always depressed. A lot of stupid fucking preps were staring at me, so I taught those bitches a lesson and stuck up my middle finger.

"Hey, Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was...Draco Malfoy!

"What's up, Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing, you flithy little gothic mudblood," he replied.

Just as I was about to teach him a lesson as well, because how fucking dare he, I randomly heard my ever so on time friends call me away.

Chapter Question: Will the weather return to normal? Will Draco be taught a lesson? Are preps overrunning the school?

Chapter 2

Fangs to bloodytearz666 for helping write this trainwreck! Beeteedubs, preps, like omfg, STOP flaming my story. You're annoying, and no one likes you.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom, which confused the hell out of me, because I thought I woke up on the roof every morning. Who moved me? Unfortunately, the weather had still not righted itself, and it was doing that strange raining AND snowing thing again. I opened the lid on my coffin and drank that bottle of blood I found in this peculiar shop in Hogsmeade. I'm sure you would love to get bored with the details of my coffin, so here we go! My coffin was black ebony and inside it was obviously black velvet because pink is just gross. I got out of my coffin and took off my MCR shirt. Instead I put on my regular Hogwarts garb and threw my hair in a messy bun.

My friend Raven (WILLOW THIS IS ALL YOU GIRLFRIEND!) woke up and grinned at me. She flipped her hair, which was weird because she hadn't opened her eyes, and low and behold the girl DID open her eyes. She also put on our ridiculous Hogwarts outfit, and we put on our usual makeup.

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing at the embarassment he caused me yesterday.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall because Hogwarts was magically remodeled overnight just for us to do just that.

"No, I so fucking don't! He's a prat! He called me a mudblood!" I shouted.

"Calm your bitchfit, girl, before I knock you into next week!" she exclaimed.  
Thankfully, that idiot Draco walked up so I didn't have to teach this bitch a lesson too.

"Hello," Draco sneeered, "Why are you mucking up Slytherin house with your disgusting goth ways? We don't want you here. Just wait until my father hears about this! Oh, and Drako wants words with you." His lip curled in digust, and I stuck my middle finger up at him, because I'm a bad bitch!

Drako walked over to us, and he said "Hi."

"Hi," I relied flirtily just to piss Draco off. Drako is Draco's shyer, better half, because he's a drug addicted, Satan worshipping, goth like Willow and I.

"Guess what." he said. No, he didn't use a question mark, because he's depressed, okay!

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte, a muggle band that has no absolute clue that we exist, is having a concert in Hogsmeade," he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. "I love GC! They are my favorite band, besides MCR, because they're always my number one!"

"Well, do you want to go with me, even though this is the first conversation we've ever had?" he asked.

I gasped for no reason at all.

Chapter Question: Will Willow keep her nose out of Ebony's love life? Will Drako and Ebony go to the concert together? Why did Ebony gasp?

Chapter 3

STOP FLAMING ME, PREPS. GET LIVES. Otherwise, fangs to my amazing gothics for your great, great reviews! FANGS AGAIN TO MY FRIEND RAVEN! Oh, yeah, and I don't own the lyrics for Good Charlotte, because if I did, they would suck, and make you want to punch babies repeatedly! Okay!

On the night of the concert, I wore black jeans, a black GC t-shirt, and some black boots. I spiked my hair to do something different. I felt a little depressed after all that exhausting activity, so I slit my wrists to help me feel better. I read the most depressing book while waiting for my stupid fucking wrists to stop gushing blood, and listened to some GC to get in the mood.  
I drank some human blood, because it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I snuck outside the castle, because it was after curfew. Drako was wating there with some broomsticks. I was glad, because flying cars are illegal. He was wearing a Simple Plan shirt because they were playing at the concert too, and a little eyeliner, which I thought made him look weird, and I told him so.

"Hi, Drako," I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi, Ebony," he replied back in an equally depressed voice. Oh, it's so nice when we're both depressed. We got on our brooms and flew to Hogsmeade. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs somehow while keeping both hands on our brooms, because YOLO. Who cares if you get lung cancer? I can fix that shit. When we got there, we hopped off of our brooms falling to our deaths, because we didn't land them. Miraculously, Merlin was merciful and we resurrected in time for the concert. We went to the mosh pit and jumped up and down, getting trampled over in the process because some fucking idiots thought you were supposed to bumrush each other.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood. They're all sohappy you've arrived. The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom, she sets you free into this life." Obviously, once again, you fucking poser preppy idiots, I don't own the lyrics to this song.

"Joel is so fucking hot!" I screamed to Drako, pointing to him as he sang. He filled the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Drako looked sad.

What the fuck was his problem? "What's wrong?" I asked as we got crushed by the moshers. Finally, I caught on.

"Hey, it's okay! I don't like him better than you!"

"Really?" asked Drako all sensitive-like, and he put his arm around me protectively.

"Really." I said. "Besides, I wouldn't even touch Joel with a fifty fucking foot pole now. He's dating that total stuck-up prep Hilary Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch, but she does make some pretty damn good movies. My face wrinkled in distaste, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went really well, and I had a depressingly good time. So did Drako. After the concert, we drank some butterbeer, and asked Joel and Benji for some totally psycho fan stuff, like nose hairs and their used tissues. Drako and I crawled back to our brooms, but Drako didn't go back to Hogwarts...instead he took us to the motherfucking FORBIDDEN FOREST!

Chapter Question: How did Drako and Ebony sneak out of the castle? How did they not fall to their deaths? How can faces be blonde? Why is Drako taking them into the Forbidden Forest? Oooo, this is getting so good! *squeals*

Chapter 4


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Once again, I did not write this. Nothing belongs to me except my own ideas. Okay.

Chapter 4

I SAID stop flaming ya preps, okay? Ebony's name is ENOBY now, I didn't misspell my own name, gosh! She's definitely not a Mary Sue, even though she totally is. Drako acts so different from Draco because they're not the same person! They knew each other before this story even though I didn't explain that, okay!

"DRAKO!" I shouted, "What in the flying fuck do you think you're doing?" (Geddit, 'cause we're flying?)

Drako, that fucker, didn't answer, but he stopped his broom and walked off of it, falling to his death for the second time that night. I decided to follow him, because after all YOLO (or in this case YOLT) and walked off curiously.

"What the fucking heck?" I asked angrily. This was the second time tonight Drako led me to my death.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped, angry that he didn't remember I randomly changed my name.

Drako leaned in extra close, and I looked in his gothic red eyes which looked so depressing and sad and evil and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. I needed to get the fuck out of there! I raced for my broom, but Drako pulled me back and showed me that it was a weird gothic contact, and I forgave him. For now, at least. Who knows with my temper?

And then...suddenly as I forgot to finish my sentence Drako kissed me passionately. He climbed on top of me and we made out and stuff against a tree. He took off my clothes and I took off his. Then he put his jackhammer in my you-know-what and we did it for his first time. I was done. And then, just as I was about to get dressed...

"What are you doing in the Forbidden Forest after curfew having intercourse, children? Get into the castle this instant, as soon as you dress yourselves."

It was...DUMBLEDORE, totally ruining the mood!

Chapter Question: Why do the characters consistently fall to their deaths instead of parking their brooms? Why do the sex scenes suck so hard? What will the real Dumbledore do to them?

Chapter 5

FOR SATAN'S SAKES, STOP FLAMING! If you are, you have sudden;y become a a prep or a poser, neither of which I can tolerate! The only reasonn Dumbledore killed the mood is because he was worried about students being out of bed after curfew in the Forbidden Forest! Okay, and on top of that, they were having bad sex! P.S. I'm not updating until I get five good reviews! Haha, jk, I will even if you don't, 'cause I don't give a fuck what you think!

Dumbledore made Drako and I follow him after getting dressed. It was scary because he didn't even look at us the entire time.

I started crying tears of blood for no reason at all down my ghost face. Drako comforted me. When we went to back to the castle, Dumbledore took us to his office, Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall (I don't know why she was there, she's not even our head of house) were there looking extremely angry and scary.

"I found these students out of bed, having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest, Professor Snape," Dumbledore ratted us out.

"How dare you?" demanded Snape. McGonagall looked us with a bit of disgust and disappointment on her face.

And then Drako, that idiot, shrieked like a little school girl, "Because I love her!"

Everyone was quiet. The professors all looked around at each other. Snape recovered first. "You teenagers and your disgusting hormones and lack of respect repulse me. I will deduct 100 points from Slytherin, 1 week's worth of detention for the both of you, and I will see to it that Dumbledore personally writes your mothers." Snape sneered. "You may get out out of my sight now, and go straight to your beds. If I find out otherwise, I might change my mind about expelling you."

Drako and I walked out and went DOWNSTAIRS TO THE DUNGEONS BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOMS ARE.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Drako asked gently.

"Yeah, I guess," I lied, becauase I was never okay. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a long black nightshirt. When I came out...there was a howl from the common room and I ran to see what happened.

Drako was clutching his ribs and I knelt by him. "What the fuck happened?" I asked.

"Well, I was trying to stand in front of you in your bathroom like a creeper and sing I Just Wanna Live by Good Charlotte, but I forgot like a complete numbskull that there are wards on the girls dorms keeping guys out," he pouted.

I was going to slap him and maybe ask why the fuck he was being so psycho, but he just looked so depressed and cute, I couldn't. We hugged and kissed, and I sent him off to his room.

Chapter Question: Was Snape fair with his punishment? Why is Drako an idiot that forgot about the wards on the girls dorms?

Chapter 6

Shit up preps, okay! P.S. I won't update until you give me good reviews, but as always I could care less what you think!

The next day I woke up in my coffin. Who the fuck kept moving me from the roof? I put on my school unifowm and black robes, and did not spray paint my hair purple, because that's a stupid color! Instead I redyed my hair blackest black again, because it was starting to be just black, and that simply wouldn't do.

In the Great Hall, I found myself craving some Count Chocula and blood, but as Hogwarts did not have those options, I settled for some toast and fucking pumpkin juice. Some assclown bumped into me, and knocked the pumpkin juice all over my top! Thankfully, it was black, so no worries about a stain, but still...

"BASTARD!" I shouted angrily. Have to keep up appearances, ya know. I regretted saying it because it turns out it was that total fucking hottie Harry Potter from Gryffindor. Sadly, he was a poser prep, and I couldn't associate with him. He was so sexy that my whole pale body got all hot and bothered and erective, except ew not in that way you perv, 'cause I'm not a guy!

"I'm sorry," he muttered after he stopped staring at my terrible makeup, no doubt.

"That's alright!" I said quickly. "What's your name?" I questioned, even though I totally fucking knew.

"My name's Harry Potter?" His eyes danced with confusion at how someone didn't know his name.

"Oh, hey. I'm Ebony Dark'ness blah blah, some shit I can't rememeber. I'm a vampire," I told him even though he didn't ask.

"Really?" He raised his eyebrow.

"Yeah," I roared like a lion. (Geddit, 'cause I'm talking to a Gryffindor?)

He then for no reason and uncharacteristically sat down at the Slytherin table to talk to me, instead of having breakfast with his friends. Drako came up behind me and said he had a surprise for me, so I went away with him without so much as a goodbye to Harry because I'm so fucking rude, and he'll probably never talk to me again.

Chapter Question: Will Ebony get over her anger issues? Why does she have so many names? Will she develop a friendship or maybe a lustship with Harry Potter by putting him under her evil enchantress trance?

Chapter 7

Well, okay guys. I'm only writing more because some lovely goths gave me five good reviews! *squeals* BEETEEDUBS PEOPLE, I won't write anymore IF you dont' give me ten good reviews, but let's be honest, I'm so good you will! ;) EVONY is totally a Mary Sue for the last fucking time! Okay, she isn't perfect because she's A SATANIST FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Ohhhh, I used irony, you guys! She has problems, she's depressed for fucks sake! As always, preps and posers you need to G-O.

Drako and I held our pale hands together in some weird demented new way of hand holding as we went downstairs. I waved to Harry that looked surprise a Slytherin was waving at him, but he waved back because he's nice. I guess though, that it was secretly that he was jealous I was with Drako, because let's be honest I'm sexy as fuck. Anyways, I went with Drako to the common room and he performed a distracting charm around us in case someone walked in and decided to be nosy bitches. Then...prepare yourselves for another intense love scene...

We started making out slowly and tiredly and took off each other's clothes enthusiastically, ready to get this over with. He felt me up over my shirt, even though the stupid fucker had already taken off my clothers. Then we took off each other's clothes all over again, because once is not enough. He put his boy thingie in my boy thingie and WE HAD SEX. Is that stupid? I know it is!

"Drako, Drako!" I screamed, already getting an orgasm because it never took me longer than three seconds, when I saw his arm. IN BIG BOLD PRINT ON A HEART WITH AN ARROW THROUGH IT WAS THE WORD HARRY POTTER.

I was so fucking pissed.

"You bastard!" I shouted, not giving him time to explain, jumping off the couch.

"No, you don't understand!" Drako pleaded, but I knew too much without knowing anything really at all.

"No, YOU'RE A FUCKING CHEATER!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDS anyways, because I gave them to you!"

I put on my clothes all huffy and stomped out. Drako ran out with out putting back on his clothes. He was running down the halls buck ass naked!  
He had a really big thing, and I was sooo attracted to it, but I was still to fucking pissed to care right now. Right now, I was concentrating on finding Harry Potter and ripping his eye out through his fucking skull. I made it to the Potions classroom, where I knew he had class because I'm a stalker.

"HARRY POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

Chapter Question: Why does Drako have a tattoo with Harry's name on it? Why are these sex scenes deteriorating in quality? Will Drako be okay living with AIDS? Will Professor Snape finally expel Ebony?

Chapter 8

STOP FLASSING, IT MEANS YOU'RE A PREP. Even though I don't know what flassing means...

Everyone in the class was totally fucking staring so I shot my middle finger at them so they would mind their own fucking business. Drako came in the room, still naked, begging me to take him back. The others started gagging, whistling, screaming, and laughing at his naked form.

"Enoby, it's not what you think!" Drako screamed. Once again that stupid fucking idiot got my wrong AGAIN.

Hermoine Granger stared at me in shock, probably because of the scene, and probably because I yelled at one of her best friends. She paused in the middle of stirring her potion, which was totally unlike her.

"What are you blithering idiots staring at?" Snape growled. "Drako, go get some clothes on! After that Howler from your father, I'm surprised you even show your face around here." The room exploded in laughter. "SHUT UP!" he roared, "I'm NOT FINISHED, and you will all do kindly TO GO BACK TO YOUR WORK." Hermoine at least obeyed instantly. "Now, as for you, Evony..." but I ignored him and shouted.

"HARRY, I can't believe you cheated on me with Drako!"

Everyone gasped, probably in shock that their beloved chosen one was into men.

In a random switch of viewpoint...I don't know WHY Enoby is so mad at me. I didn't even go out with Harry or anything! He's totally straight, though believe me I tried. I just used to be in love with him, and now I have this hideous tattoo that I need to get fixed because I'm not in love with him anymore. We're just friends.

Switching viewpoints again..."But I never even went out with Drako! We haven't even kissed for Merlin's sake!"

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off you bastard!" Like no one would want a piece of Drako. He's so fucking sexy. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest again, because I love pushing my luck on getting expelled, where I lost my virility (whatever that is) to that stupid cheating Drako. I burst into bloody tears.

Chapter Question: Will Evony get punished by Snape? Will Evony, Drako, and Harry work out their problems? Will Evony ever get her bloody tear problem fixed?

Chapter 9

Stop flaming, for the millionth time! I obviously didn't read all the books, because I love making everything so out of context! This is from the movie, even though it doesn't follow the movie either. The reason Snape doesn't like Harry is because he's randomly Christian whil Harry's Satanist, and it doesn't have a bit to do with Harry's father and the Marauder's bullying him! MCR ROCKS HARDCOREEEEEEEEEEE!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Drako cheated on me, even though it was so obvious he didn't!

Then all of a sudden, a horrible man with terrible eyes and no nose and everything apparated in front of me! He didn't have a nose, even though I already said that like Voldemort in the movie, even though it happened in the books AND the movie. He was wearing all black, but he obviously wasn't gothic. It was...VOLDEMORT!

"No" I shouted, fear tearing at me. But then Voldemort performed Imperius instead of Imperio for some reason, and I couldn't leave.

"Crookshanks!" I yelled, and then Hermoine's cat came bounding out of the castle, attacking Voldemort! But then I stopped, because even though I'm sadistic, I had feelings, gees.

"Ebony!" he yelled. Oh for fuck's sake, I thought, what is with people not keeping up with my name changes? "Thou must kill Harry Potter!"

Wait. Why is Voldemort speaking in Shakespeare language? And why is he having me kill Harry Potter for him? "Alright!" I shouted, "What have you done to the real Voldemort, you stupid poser fucker?" And then I had an epiphany. What is Drako was telling the truth? What if Harry really was straight and they never dated?

He gave me a gun, for some odd reason, even though I have a fucking wand. Suddenly, the real Voldemort appeared! And he performed the Cruciatus Curse on the poser! I laughed in spite of myself, because it's just so nice to see posers get what they fucking deserve. He glared at me, and said, "Just a follower gone rogue. But you may not kill Harry, that is my job!" He flew away angrily, just the same way that the imposter did.

Drako came into the woods.

"Drako! OMG HI!" I totally forgot that I was pissed at him, because he walked into the woods looking like sex on a stick.

"Hi." I got the feeling my charms weren't working anymore, and Drako was going to break up with me. So, I did something I never, ever do. I apologized.

First, I let out a groan/sigh and began. "I'm sorry I got all mad and stuff and made you run through Hogwarts naked because I didn't wait for your explanation."

"That's okay," he shrugged, and I smirked, knowing my trance was still working. We went back into Hogwarts making out while walking, which is really dangerous, don't try this at home.

Chapter Question: Who is this ridiculous imposter? Why was Evony forgiven so easily? How can Drako and Evony make out and walk at the same time?

Chapter 10

Stop it, you gay fags, if you don't like my story, you can go fuck yourselves, because you're all a bunch of poser preps!

I was really scared about the Voldemort imposter we all just left in the woods, and totally forgot about until now. I was even upset when it was time for my depressing gothic band to practice! I'm the lead singer, duh, and I also play guitar because I'm awesome. People say we sound like a mixture of shitty bands. For some reason, we got Hermoine, Harry, Drako, Ron, and Hairgrid, Hagrid's half brother that's our age. Only today like half of our group was all depressed and suicidal so we just fucked around. I knew Drako was probably cutting himself but I said you know what, he can resurrect himself because he's a vampire, so he can do whatever the hell he wants. As for Harry, he was probably trying to avoid Drako by watching some kind of movie like Legend or Labryinth or something. You might think I'm a slut from the way that I dress when I don't have class, and you are totally riiiiiight!

We were singing a cover of Helena and I burst into tears for no other reasn then because I could.

"Evony, are you okay?" Hermoine asked in a concerned voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily, once again being rude to my new friends. "There was a fucking imposter Voldemort that was in the woods and he told me to kill Harry, but then the real Voldemort came and said he was going to kill Harry instead!" Drako jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you tell me, you whore!" he shouted. "You stupid fucking poser gothic ass bitch!"

I cried and cried. Drako cried. We all went on a big cry fest.

Somehow we powered through the tears and practiced for another hour. Dumledore walked in, ruining our practice, his eyes gleaming, and I knew this time it wasn't because we were having sex. "I regret to inform you all that Drako somehow made his way back to his rooms and committed suicide by slashing his wrists."

Chapter Question: Why are Gryffindors and Slytherins mixing in a band? Why does Hagrid have a half brother their age? Where is Harry? Will Drako be able to resurrect himself in time to make an appearnace in the next chapter? I'm sure none of these questions will be answered in a non bass ackwards way.

Chapter 11


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Own nothing.

Chapter 12

Raven fangs baby for helping me again. I'm sorry we're both ruining the world's brain cells. Wait, no I'm not... ANYWAYS, I'm sorry I took your poster LOLZ Gerard is just so fucking always, preps, you can shove it where the Sun don't shine.

Harry who had suddenly come out of hiding, and I started running up the stairs looking for Dumbledore, even though he was the one that totally told us about stupid Drako killing himself. We were so scared for some unknown reason.

"Dumbledore, Dumblydore, Dumble, Bumble, Dumblydore!" We started screaming nonsesnse outside of his statue, hoping he would hear us. Dumbledore came out of his office.

"What is it that you want, children?"

"Voldemort has Drako, even though he was just dead a few seconds ago!"

He looked at us with great concern.

"No! Don't! We need to save Drako!" we begged.

"Okay, but I have some important ministry business to attend to as well. Why don't you children head off to bed? I'll collect your friend, and return him safe and sound." His blue eys twinkled at us warmly.

"Drako!" Harry started crying, and it startled me, because he never had unless someone died. (Don't you think crying, sensitive, straight guys are soooo hot?)

"It's okay!" I tried to comfrort him, but he didn't stop whining like a little girl and quite frankly, I was getting he had a brainstorm with pencil, paper, and everything. "I have a idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see," he said. He took out his wand, and we apparated to Malfoy Manor where Voldemort was staying at the expense of Lucius Malfoy, against Dumbledore's wishes, because really, when did Harry listen to him when friends were in danger? He was a badass. If only he wasn't such a prep...

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a voice say "Allah Kedavra!" but we weren't scared, because that's not the killing curse, just a very confused Muslim Death Eater. It was...Voldemort's imposter!

Chapter Question: What is a sexbomb? Will people stop flaming this story, or is it just too entertaining? Why does Drako keep resurrecting himself? Why is this Voldemort imposter Muslim?

Chapter 11

I SAID stop flaming up like The Human Torch, you prepzzzz! See if this chapter is stupid, just like me! Well, it is, but it deals with sirius issues! (Geddit? :p) Spelling see for yourself if it's ztupid, my new word meaning zany and stupid! BTW thanks to my bestie fo' liiiiife Raven for helping me fail as always! LOVE YA GURL.

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrified that Drako had killed himself without waiting for me! Hermoine tried to comfort me, but my damn temper came out again and I told her to fuck off, which I don't think she appreciated but who the fuck cares? I ran to my room crying to myself. Dumbledore calmly followed me trying to make me come back and be rational, but of course was stopped when I got to the girl's dormitory.

I started crying tears of blood again, which I really needed to get looked at, and then slit my wrists. It got all over my super gothic clothes so I took them off and jumped in the bath angrily. I grabbed a steak, and instead of eating it, I tried to stick it into my heart to commit suicide. But I failed, like at this story, and I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on totally non-sensical pajamas. I couldn't fucking believe myself sometimes. Then I looked out the window and screamed...Snape and Lupin were talking! This could not be good...they hated each other. Snape was taking pictures of Lupin chewing his food, but my narcissitic self thought they were taking naked pictures of me, even though I was already fucking dressed! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed, putting on a black Marilyn Manson towel over my clothes. Suddenly, Harry ran into my room somehow. SERIOUSLY, what is it with all these guys? I mean, I know I'm hot, but why are they always all over me?

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled, pointing his womb from Weasleys Wizard Wheezes. Nothing happened, because, duh, that isn't a real spell! I think he was just trying to show off with this product thing. I took a gun out of nowhere, and shot Snape and Lupin several times, but don't worry, we all know that no one really dies in this story! MERLIN SAVES ALL. The camera broke. Suddenly, Dumbledork ( my now affectionate nickname for him in my head) ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has-NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Lupin, and then he waved his wand, I was terrified he was going to hex me or expell me for sure, and suddenly...

Hagrid ran outside, with Harry's broom following alongside him, and said we all need to talk.

"What do you know, Hagrid? You got expelled in your third year!" Once again, my temper (damn that temper) flared up again.

"HOW DARE YA?" Hagrid paused angrily. "I"VE HAD IT WITH YOUR TEMPER! DUMBLEDORE...REALLY."

And just as everyone was on the edge of their seats, praying for my expulsion, Snape cut in. "This cannot be," he changed the subject back to my accusation of them being pedos.

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled madly, much to the confusion of everyone as this had nothing to do with the previous conversations. I wasn't going to let my reputation for not answering questions, but just creating more questions go.

Lupin held up the camera triumphantly. "The lens may be ruined, but the film is still there! Proof that we are not pedophiles, Albus. I hope you're happy, young lady. I can't play my part in the Battle of Hogwarts, and my future child will be without a father."

"Oh, sod off!" I yelled, and everyone gasped. "Everyone knows you'll probably just die anyways!" Everyone was shocked and angry at me, because they know that when I curse someone, it comes true!

But deep inside, I felt faint, like how it feels when one's childhood dies with one terrible trainwreck of a fanfiction.

"Why are you doing this?" Lupin asked while he rubbed his dirty hands on his cloak.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before, several times in fact. I didn't know whether to hug him or bite him and drink his werewolf blood!

"BECAUSE...BECAUSE..." Hagrid said, trying to think of a possible explanation for my rude behavior. A random singing valentine (even though it was Valentine's Day, but who cares, nothing has to make sense in MY story) sang to the tune of a gothic 50 Cent song.

After everyone cleared their heads from their confusion, Snape offered up his explanation. "Because you're goffik?" You could hear the venom in his voice.  
Oh my Satan...

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Chapter Questions: Will ztupid be used anywhere else? Will Ebony actually commit suicide already? Does she know the difference between naked and clothed? Will she stop thinking everyone's out for her? Will the chapters get less confusing? Who loves her now?

Chapter 13

Fuck off PREPZ, okay! I don't need your approval, obviously. Raven, fangz for helping again, really. I'm sorry I couldn't update, you guys, I know you must have wanted to die, but I was in the hospital for slitting my wrists, and well...P.S. I ain't updatin' till I get 10 GOOD reviews. I know, I know, so reachable! :'D THANKS FOR ALL THIS LOOOOOOVE.

Oh, wait, whoops! WARNING: SUMS ARE EXTREMELY SCARY, YOU SHOULDN'T DO MATH WHILE READING THIS CHAPTER. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED, KEEP IT CLASSY~

We ran to where imposter Voldemort was. Except, he wasn't anymore. Instead, some fat guy pretending to be Wormtail was. Drako was, of course, there crying tears of blood. Snaketail (yeah, this poser didn't even change his name) was torturing him. Harry and I ran in front of him.

"Leave now, you despicable preps!" he shouted as I started towrds him with a gun. Harry gave me a weird look, as he was gripping his wand. I was so angry that he called me a fucking prep! he Then suddenly stopped in the middle of a sentence, sorry. Snaketail looked at me and fell


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 12

Raven fangs baby for helping me again. I'm sorry we're both ruining the world's brain cells. Wait, no I'm not... ANYWAYS, I'm sorry I took your poster LOLZ Gerard is just so fucking always, preps, you can shove it where the Sun don't shine.

Harry who had suddenly come out of hiding, and I started running up the stairs looking for Dumbledore, even though he was the one that totally told us about stupid Drako killing himself. We were so scared for some unknown reason.

"Dumbledore, Dumblydore, Dumble, Bumble, Dumblydore!" We started screaming nonsesnse outside of his statue, hoping he would hear us. Dumbledore came out of his office.

"What is it that you want, children?"

"Voldemort has Drako, even though he was just dead a few seconds ago!"

He looked at us with great concern.

"No! Don't! We need to save Drako!" we begged.

"Okay, but I have some important ministry business to attend to as well. Why don't you children head off to bed? I'll collect your friend, and return him safe and sound." His blue eys twinkled at us warmly.

"Drako!" Harry started crying, and it startled me, because he never had unless someone died. (Don't you think crying, sensitive, straight guys are soooo hot?)

"It's okay!" I tried to comfrort him, but he didn't stop whining like a little girl and quite frankly, I was getting he had a brainstorm with pencil, paper, and everything. "I have a idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see," he said. He took out his wand, and we apparated to Malfoy Manor where Voldemort was staying at the expense of Lucius Malfoy, against Dumbledore's wishes, because really, when did Harry listen to him when friends were in danger? He was a badass. If only he wasn't such a prep...

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a voice say "Allah Kedavra!" but we weren't scared, because that's not the killing curse, just a very confused Muslim Death Eater. It was...Voldemort's imposter!

Chapter Question: What is a sexbomb? Will people stop flaming this story, or is it just too entertaining? Why does Drako keep resurrecting himself? Why is this Voldemort imposter Muslim?

Chapter 13

I SAID stop flaming up like The Human Torch, you prepzzzz! See if this chapter is stupid, just like me! Well, it is, but it deals with sirius issues! (Geddit? :p) Spelling see for yourself if it's ztupid, my new word meaning zany and stupid! BTW thanks to my bestie fo' liiiiife Raven for helping me fail as always! LOVE YA GURL.

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrified that Drako had killed himself without waiting for me! Hermoine tried to comfort me, but my damn temper came out again and I told her to fuck off, which I don't think she appreciated but who the fuck cares? I ran to my room crying to myself. Dumbledore calmly followed me trying to make me come back and be rational, but of course was stopped when I got to the girl's dormitory.

I started crying tears of blood again, which I really needed to get looked at, and then slit my wrists. It got all over my super gothic clothes so I took them off and jumped in the bath angrily. I grabbed a steak, and instead of eating it, I tried to stick it into my heart to commit suicide. But I failed, like at this story, and I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on totally non-sensical pajamas. I couldn't fucking believe myself sometimes. Then I looked out the window and screamed...Snape and Lupin were talking! This could not be good...they hated each other. Snape was taking pictures of Lupin chewing his food, but my narcissitic self thought they were taking naked pictures of me, even though I was already fucking dressed! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed, putting on a black Marilyn Manson towel over my clothes. Suddenly, Harry ran into my room somehow. SERIOUSLY, what is it with all these guys? I mean, I know I'm hot, but why are they always all over me?

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled, pointing his womb from Weasleys Wizard Wheezes. Nothing happened, because, duh, that isn't a real spell! I think he was just trying to show off with this product thing. I took a gun out of nowhere, and shot Snape and Lupin several times, but don't worry, we all know that no one really dies in this story! MERLIN SAVES ALL. The camera broke. Suddenly, Dumbledork ( my now affectionate nickname for him in my head) ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has-NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Lupin, and then he waved his wand, I was terrified he was going to hex me or expell me for sure, and suddenly...

Hagrid ran outside, with Harry's broom following alongside him, and said we all need to talk.

"What do you know, Hagrid? You got expelled in your third year!" Once again, my temper (damn that temper) flared up again.

"HOW DARE YA?" Hagrid paused angrily. "I"VE HAD IT WITH YOUR TEMPER! DUMBLEDORE...REALLY."

And just as everyone was on the edge of their seats, praying for my expulsion, Snape cut in. "This cannot be," he changed the subject back to my accusation of them being pedos.

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled madly, much to the confusion of everyone as this had nothing to do with the previous conversations. I wasn't going to let my reputation for not answering questions, but just creating more questions go.

Lupin held up the camera triumphantly. "The lens may be ruined, but the film is still there! Proof that we are not pedophiles, Albus. I hope you're happy, young lady. I can't play my part in the Battle of Hogwarts, and my future child will be without a father."

"Oh, sod off!" I yelled, and everyone gasped. "Everyone knows you'll probably just die anyways!" Everyone was shocked and angry at me, because they know that when I curse someone, it comes true!

But deep inside, I felt faint, like how it feels when one's childhood dies with one terrible trainwreck of a fanfiction.

"Why are you doing this?" Lupin asked while he rubbed his dirty hands on his cloak.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before, several times in fact. I didn't know whether to hug him or bite him and drink his werewolf blood!

"BECAUSE...BECAUSE..." Hagrid said, trying to think of a possible explanation for my rude behavior. A random singing valentine (even though it was Valentine's Day, but who cares, nothing has to make sense in MY story) sang to the tune of a gothic 50 Cent song.

After everyone cleared their heads from their confusion, Snape offered up his explanation. "Because you're goffik?" You could hear the venom in his voice.  
Oh my Satan...

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Chapter Questions: Will ztupid be used anywhere else? Will Ebony actually commit suicide already? Does she know the difference between naked and clothed? Will she stop thinking everyone's out for her? Will the chapters get less confusing? Who loves her now?

Chapter 14

Fuck off PREPZ, okay! I don't need your approval, obviously. Raven, fangz for helping again, really. I'm sorry I couldn't update, you guys, I know you must have wanted to die, but I was in the hospital for slitting my wrists, and well...P.S. I ain't updatin' till I get 10 GOOD reviews. I know, I know, so reachable! :'D THANKS FOR ALL THIS LOOOOOOVE.

Oh, wait, whoops! WARNING: SUMS ARE EXTREMELY SCARY, YOU SHOULDN'T DO MATH WHILE READING THIS CHAPTER. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED, KEEP IT CLASSY~

We ran to where imposter Voldemort was. Except, he wasn't anymore. Instead, some fat guy pretending to be Wormtail was. Drako was, of course, there crying tears of blood. Snaketail (yeah, this poser didn't even change his name) was torturing him. Harry and I ran in front of him.

"Leave now, you despicable preps!" he shouted as I started towrds him with a gun. Harry gave me a weird look, as he was gripping his wand. I was so angry that he called me a fucking prep! he Then suddenly stopped in the middle of a sentence, sorry. Snaketail looked at me and fell down with all this love for me, because I used my trance, of course. It comes in handy sometimes. Oh, and he's totally not a pedophile, because he's sixteen here, okay losers?

"Huh?" I asked, because I had to act like I didn't have powers, or else Harry would catch on. He's a pretty intelligent prep for a prep.

"Enoby, I love you. Will you have sex with me?" Snaketail begged. I started laughing crudely, because truthfully, I'll do anything with legs, but to keep up my reputation...  
"What THE FUCK? You torture my bf and then expect me to fuck you? Wrong-o, mooseface! Oh my Satan, you are fucked up you fucking bastard," I said angrily. I stabbed him in the heart with a steak, because as you all know, the vampires in this story are afraid of a nice, bloody steak. Blood poured from his body like a marvelous fountain.

"Nooooo!" he screamed. He screamed and screamed and screamed and started running around like a chicken with his head cut off. I sighed and rolled my eyes until he finally fell to the floor, dead. D-E-D. (See, I can spell, motherfuckers!) I burst into tears sadly, because I really wish it was me that got stabbed with a steak.

"Snaketail, what art thou doing, you idiot?" called the Voldemort imposter. Then...he started coming! Right in front of me and Harry, and it was totally disgusting! Like, ew, doesn't he have a bedroom or something? We could hear his high heels clacking towards us. We saw his long silvery strapless dress billowing in the wind. He feels real deep when he's dressing in drag. He calls it freedom of expression, I just call him a fag. Apparently, these Death Eaters need some serious therapy.

Anyways, so we got on our brooms and flew back to Hogwarts. We went to our rooms. I started crying.

Drako randomly appeared and said "What's wrong, honey?" Causing me to almost have a heart attack and punch him in the nose. That boy is nothing, if not a trooper for putting up with me for this long, so he just started undressing so we could screw nails into boards. You know, I like my men to be naked for that. He has a sex pack (geddit, 'cause he's sexah-fied) and a really huge you-know-who and everything!

"It's so unfair!" I yielded out of the way as he was moving towards me. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all the ugly stupid fucking preps here except Hermione, 'cause she's not ugly or anything!"

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't even like preps, they're stupid, annoying, and such fucking sluts. Oh, wait. So are you," answered Drako.

I pretended I didn't hear the last part of his sentence and started complaining again. "Yeah, but like, everyone's in love with me! Like Snape and Lupin took a video of me naked, except I wasn't. Hagrid wants to expel me. Harry likes me now like a friend and now even that dead poser guy Snaketail is in love with me! Ugh! Why can't I just stop entrancing everyone with my powers? I just wanna be with you okay, Drako?! Why couldn't Satan make me less beautiful, dangit!" I shouted angrily. (Don't worry, kiddos. I know you're concerned that maybe our little Enoby is like a super snob or something, which she is, but see a lot of people have told her she's hot and everything.) "I'm good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL! THIS STORY IS A FUCKING CURSE UPON MY HOUSEHOLD!" I shouted then ran away leaving a very naked and confused Drako behind.

Chapter Questions: Did you do sums like I told you not to? How did Drako get out of imposter Voldemort's lair if Harry and Enoby left without him? Why is the Voldemort imposter dressing in drag? Will Enoby stop being a whiny bitch?


	5. Author's Note!

Hey, lovely people of ! Thank you for all of your amazing reviews, really. I am so, so, so sorry I haven't written any more to this parody, but there has been SO MUCH going on, and now I CAN FINALLY FOCUS ON IT WHICH MEANS A NEW CHAPTER IS COMING SOON. Possibly two or three. We shall see. I'm going to finish up a Draco fanfiction I've had on my computer for a while as well. In the mean time while you're waiting, please check out my other stuff on my account. While it is not as hilarious as this, it is pretty okay stuff (I think, but you know, you never know) Post some more soon!

And now to answer said reviews: confusio:Cheesums bro! For the love of satan, write MOAR! seriously this parody is one of the best I've read so far!  
cheers, mate!  
Me: WOW, thank you for your flattery c: I am seriously blushing, because that is so nice and I don't think that's true at all. Cheers, mate!

guest:My brain literally died reading this. God what was wrong with the person who wrote the original?  
Me: I feel the feelings, man. I literally had to force myself to finish the original. I can only hope it was something serious like a brain-eating tumor that made her angry and bad at spelling and grammar, because otherwise, it is very sad. Oh, that's terrible, isn't it? O.o OKAY. MOVING ON.

Lol'ingMyHeadOff: My Immortal is actually readable? It's a MIRACLE! Please please please continue, this is awesome!  
Me: Indeed, it is~ I am trying to continue, but as you can imagine, the process is a long one to turn something unreadble into a miracle :p Honestly, though, thank you so very much for the compliment! :)

Astonished: Oh my gosh. You have achieved the impossible. I can read this without my eyes bleeding out from sheer awfulness. *Applause*  
Me: *bows shyly* thank you so much for thinking I achieved the impossible! But to me that would be passing my Calc 2 class xD I'm glad your eyes are not bleeding, I saved you a trip from the hospital!

MelissaMachine5000: Hahaahah I was laughing the whole time (cos I'm goffik). The chapter questions were just an added bonus :D Me: Oh? I'm honored I could make you laugh, my goffik audience is my most important! Lol. And thank you, the chapter questions were my way of adding some originality to this fanfiction!

Millie the Kitty: First, let me say I absolutely LOVE this version! I'm really confuzzled though... Drako's talking to everyone, and then he's commiting suicide. HELP! But seriously, great job!  
Me: First, let me say I absolutely LOVE you for loving this version! THANK YOU SO MUCH. And yeah, the original fanfiction is just as confusing. I'm literally just taking the original and making fun of the words and terrible plot she (he?) uses.

30 Seconds to Mars Bars: Well. Thats all my brain cells dead. Me: I apologize. Would you like me to arrange a funeral, free of charge?

Anon E. Mos: I... I just can't. You took away my ability to can.  
"Oh, hey. I'm Ebony Dark'ness blah blah, some shit I can't rememeber. I'm a vampire,"  
That's what you get for having five names, you bitch.  
"You probably have AIDS anyways, because I gave them to you!"  
DAFUCK?  
He put his boy thingie in my boy thingie and WE HAD SEX. Is that stupid? I know it is!  
Haha, when did girls have dicks? And you can't put a dick in another dick. Wow...and yes it is stupid.  
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally not flaming you. This is amazingly funny. I love the chapter questions. I was lucky enough to only read an excerpt of My Immortal and I laughed so hard I started crying (not bloody tears). Hilarious parody. Props.  
Me: First of all, great name ;D I'm sorry I took away your ability to can *hands back* Five names are dumb and unnecessary. And yes, you saw that sentence right, Ebony probably DID have AIDS. Actually, probably not, because she doesn't know how to have proper sex. Girls started having dicks around the Feminist Revolution, bro, didn't you know? xD And yes, I know you can't but apparently Tara did not. I know how stupid it is, and that is why I'm parody-ing it! :D Thank you for the lovely compliments! And I'm glad you did not cry bloody tears, because from what I hear from Ebony, it is a very serious medical condition.

Runwithscissorsxxxbattlescars: "Drako, that fucker, didn't answer, but he stopped his broom and walked off of it, falling to his death for the second time that night. I decided to follow him, because after all YOLO (or in this case YOLT) and walked off curiously."  
Whoa. I applaud people who can live twice.  
"Instead I redyed my hair blackest black again, because it was starting to be just black, and that simply wouldn't do."  
I didn't even know anything could be blacker than black.  
"He put his boy thingie in my boy thingie and WE HAD SEX. Is that stupid? I know it is!"  
Wonder of wonders, girls have boy thingies now?  
Man, you should write parodies for a living! The Harvard Lampoon would worship you!

This is beautiful. And I'm sorry, the original version did a better job of sucking than you ever could. No offense or anything, but you probably couldn't write badly if you tried.  
(I'm attempting a flame ;)  
How can faces be blonde? I... really don't know.  
Me: First of all, thank you for being the most flattering and enthusiastic of my supporters! It means a great deal to me that you are that interested in something I started for fun. Living twice is a talent, but is unfortunately wasted on the dumb. And yes, Ebony uses Loreal #112 Blackest Blackier Black Than Midnight. It is so black, it could probably lose a black hole in there. I am sure the Harvard Lampoon would not worship me, but it is kind of you to say so, sir or madam! SOMEONE SCOUR THE INTERNET TO HOW FACES CAN BE BLONDE.  



	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 15

AN: STOP FLAMING, OKAY! I WILL CALL THE MOTHERFUCKING WIZARD COPS. btw, stupid poser preps, you suck like no one. Every time one of you posers flame me, I'll...SLIT MY WRISTS! Do you hear me? Are you happy with yourselves? Well, you should be, 'cause maybe I'll die! Haha, thanks bby Raven for helping! Kklolzbai.

"Ebony, Ebony!" shouted Drako sadly. "No, please come back!"

But I was too mad. Because who the heck even does that thing that I had totally forgotten about, but still needed to teach Drako a lesson for?

"Whatever! Now you can go have sex with Harry! BECAUSE I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, BI GUY," I shouted. I stormed into my room not like a tornado, but a motherfucking tsunami that would destroy the entire city of Tokyo, and closed my door with my blood red key. Have I not mentioned how weird it is that I'm the only student in Hogwarts history to have my own private bedroom? No. Oh, okay. Well, I totally do, because it fits my plot, okay losers? The key had a picture of Marilyn Manson on it. (You still don't know who that is? Well, you know what TO DO!) He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Drako and Harry. I started to cry and weep, which basically just means that I was weeping, but I had to make myself look retarded and say both! I took a razor and slit my wrists. (That steak thing totally wasn't working out.) I drank my own blood all depressed. Then I looked at my GC watch and realized (hold on, because the suddenness of this make shock you) it was time for Biology!

I'm going to skip over some more boring details about my outfits that you could really live you life without knowing, and I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed, as usual. I did sums (what did I tell you about how DANGEROUS they are?) and some Advanced Biology work, which seemed an awful lot like Tranfiguration to me, because we were turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned into...Dra...wait for it...ko! (I bet you're so fucking surprised, right?!)

"Enoby, I love you!" he shouted sadly, although I was wondering why loving me would make someone sad because come on, I'M AWESOME. I don't care what those stupid preps and posers fink! Which I think means they hold us in discontempt! Ur da most hawtest gurl in da world, baby! Before I met you, I used to want to commit suicide all the time, and well, I still do because you're terrible, but it doesn't matter because now I just want to fucking be with you! I fucking love you!" Then he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" which I was confused who that was by, maybe Little Wayne? I only knew a song called THE Chronicles of Life and Death, which we considered our song now because we fell in love when Joel was singing it. He voice...ehrmaguhd it was goffik and sexxxy and and and so amazing like Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre, and Marilyn had an awful lovechild of some sorts! (AN: Don't you think those guys are soooo sexxxy? If you don't know who they are, do some motherfucking sums!)

"OMFG." I said after he finished. Some fucking preps stared at us like they usually do, but I jut stuck up my middle finger at them. "Oh my Satan, I love you!" I said and then we kissed just like Hilary Duff (h8 that bitch, even though I apparently watch her movies) and CMM in A Cinderella Story. Then we skipped off into the sunset. Loopin, whoever that poor fucker was, shouted at us, but then he stopped because well, let's face it, if I haven't gotten expelled already, when is it going to happen? Then I saw a convenient poster announcing MCR would have a concert in Hogsmeade RIGHT NOW. We looked at each other and went together.

Chapter questions: Would Tara really call the MOTHERFUCKING WIZARD COPS on us? Why hasn't anyone more deserving had their own private bedroom at Hogwarts? Will someone make Tara do sums already so this fanfiction will end? Why does Ebony watch Hilary Duff films if she hates her so much? Will Ebony ever get killed, or worse, expelled?

Chapter 16

AN: You know what letter u? SHUT UP, OKAY. Prove to me you guys aren't prepz! Raven you fucking bitch, you suck a big no one, give me back my fucking sweets! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE THIS CRAP. Raven, what the fuck, you bitch, once again, you're supposed to fucking WRITE THIS! BTW lots of goffik fangs to britney5655 for teaching me Japanese! Let's hope it doesn't show up in this! Okay? Okay.

We ran happily (I know, I'm just as shocked as you.) to Hogsmeade. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happily, because apparently music was the cure all along to get me to stop acting like a bitch for five seconds! MCR was there playing 'Helena'. I WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIS FUCKING FANFICTION. Gerard looked even sexxxier than he did in the pictures. Even Drako thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection in his boy thingie, but I decided I was too fucking happy for once to let the fucker spoil it for now. And also, I knew we were the only true ones for each other while he was still under my enchantress spell. We were wearing outfits, that I thought made us look gothic, that's all you need to know. Anyways, we started moshing. We frenched. Which is to say we ate baguettes and Brie with berets. We ran up to the front to stage dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. Wait, what the Satan was going on here? So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was...Volsemort and the Death Dealers! Those stupid poser fucks that ruined everything!

"Wtf Drako! I'm not going to a concert with you! Not after what happened last time!" And I blinked and looked around all confused, because I thought we were already at the fucking concert. "Even if it is MCR, and you know how much I like them because I bring them up every five fucking seconds!"

"What? 'Cause we...you know...?" he gadgeted around uncomfortably with some electronics, because he had no clue what they were. Oh, and also because Drako is apparently the only guy in history you doesn't like to talk about you-know-what, and neither do I.

"Yeah, 'cause we you know!" I yielded his shenanigans.

"We won't do that again." Drako promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

"OMFG WTF DO YOU LIKE NOT WANT TO HAVE YOU-KNOW-WHAT WITH ME NOW? Are you giving into mainstream to become a Christina or something, because you know I don't like that shit!"

"No," he muttered loudly. "I'm not having a SEX CHANGE, God."

"Are you becoming a prep or what!" I shot my wand angrily.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'The World is Black' by GC to me.

I was flattened like a pancake, because that's not even a single, and he memorized those lyrics just for me! I felt like a motherfucking princess! Except not, because you know, princesses are for preps.

"Okay...I guess I will have to," I said, because I was like Bella Swan and could not be alone in my life and be fine with it. Then we frenched some more by having some cafe au laits and crepes for a while and I went up to my room.

Hermione was standing there. "Hajimemashite, gurl!" she said happily, because I had also but her under my evil sorcery ways. (She speaks Japanese and so do I. I know you're all excited for the crappy multicultural elements now! That means "How do you do?" in Japanese, which I frankly think is bullshit britney5655 'cause its actually a bunch of characters.)

"Btw, Willow that fucking poser prep got thrown out of school just because she refused to be a part of this suicide story." (AN: RAVEN FUCK YOU! YOU SUCK!)

"It serves that fucking bitch right," I laughed angrily. Well, anyway we were feeling all depressed. Me, because I always am, and Hermione because I made her be with my enchantress skills. We watched a German goffic movie called Das NiteMARE Beforen Xmas. (Not to be confused with Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas.) "Maybe Willow will die, too," I said randomly.

"Kawaii." Hermione shook her head energetically and lethargically at the same time, and for a second I got scared she was coming out of her trance, but instead she said, "Oh yeah, I have a confession. After she got expelled, I murdered her and in the den Loopin did it with her because he's a necrophliac."

Now, normally, when once childhood fictional characters are totally OC like this, you would discontinue the fanfiction, but I apparently never cared for them at all! "Kawaii," I commented happily, because I liked death and I liked my minions killing my friends. We talked to each other in silence (a real accomplishment, I know) for the rest of the movie.

"OH, HEY BTw, I'm going to a concert with Drako tonight in Hogsmeade to see MCR. I need to wear like the HOTTEST outfit ever, because let's be honest, even though I said I didn't want to have sex, we probably totally will.

Hermione nodded energetically. "Omg totally, let's go shopping!"

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, because obviously that was the only answer. I was already getting out my special goffik loyalty card.

"No." My head Snaped up. Which is to see, I wore a Snape expression on my face with utter contempt for Hermione right now.

"WHAT?" My head spun, and I could feel a bitchfit coming on. I could not believe it. "Hermione, ARE YOU A prep?"

"NOOOOO! NOOOOO!" she laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts, that's all."

"Who told you about them?" I asked sure it would be Drako or Ron or Harry (Don't even SAY that name to me, even though I said it myself!) Or me, even though I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Dumblydore," she said, "let me just call our brooms." Because one of the things I made sure I did with my trance was make sure no one was allowed a wand, only a cell phone.

"OMFFG (Oh my frilly fucking God) DUMBLYDORE?" I asked not quietly at all.

"Yeah, I saw the map for Hogwarts on his desk," she told me. "Come on, let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade, because apparently wizards now catered to teenagers who went to Muggle concerts. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT BECAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. Oh, and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for the real goffs."

"The real goffs?" Hermione and I asked.

"Ah, chyah, you wouldn't believe how many posers are in this town, man! Yesterday, Loopin and Snap tried to buy a goffik camera pouch." He shook his head. "I didn't even know they had a camera."

"OMFG NO, THEY'RE GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, once again jumping to the worst conclusions. Maybe they wanted to take pictures of the Giant Squid or something. I ran out of the changing room wearing a leather and red tulle little number which was very low cut and had a huge slit.

"Oh my Satan, you have to buy that outfit," the salesperson said.

"Yeah, it looks totally hot," said Hermione.

"You know what? I'm going to give you the dress for free, even though my manager will probably kill me for giving away stuff, because you look so hot in it. Hey, are you going to be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah, I am, actually." I looked back at him. "Hey, BTW my name's Ebondy Dark'ness Dementia TARA Way, what's yours?" Like anyone cared about all my names, ever.

"Tom Rid," he said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "Maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah, I DON'T THINK SO, 'cause I am going there with my bf, you SICK PERV!" I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, because all guys in this fanfiction think when I'm a total bitch to them it's hot, Hargrid flew in on his black broom, looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY, YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO THE CASTLE NOW!"

Chapter questions: Will we see anymore of Volsemort and the Death Dealers? Will Ebondy and Drako have you-know-what...again? Will our beloved fictional character ever come back to their senses? Do Tom Rid, Loopin, and Snap really want to be sick pervs on Ebondy or are they just trying to take nice nature picture and be friendly? What's going on at the castle? What is a goff?

Chapter 17

AN: I sev stop flaming the story! If you're a prep, then don't read it! You can tell whether you're a prep or not by my quiz on my homepage, titled "Are you a fucking poserprep?" If you're not, then you rock. If you are, then FOOOOOOOOK UFFFFFFF! P.S. Willow isn't really a prep. I didn't mean all those mean bitchy things like killing her off and then having Loopin do her body. Raven, please do this, I'll promise to give you back your poster!

Tom Rid gave us some clothes n stuff for free. He said he would help us with makeup if he wanted to because he was really into fashion stuff. (He's bisexual, obviously, because he likes fashion and makeup, even though that has nothing to do with sexuality.) Hargrid kept shooting at us so we would go back to Hogwarts. "WTF, Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off, you fjucking bastard! Who cares if there's an emergency at the castle, Hermione and I are trying to fucking shop!" Well, anyways, Willow was miraculously resurrected and came. Hargrid went away angrily, probably because someone was dying or something, and I was too selfish to listen.

"Hey, bitch, you look kawaii," Willow said.

"Yeah, but not as kawaii as you," I answered sadly, 'cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She had a really nice body with big boobs and everything. She was thin enough to be anorexic, which she should probably get checked out because that's a serious medical condition.

"So, are you going to the concert with Drako?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said happily.

"I'm going with Ron," she answered happily. Well, anyway Drako and Ron came. They were both looking extremely hot and sexxxy, and you could tell that thought we were both hot too. Hermione was going to the concert with Neville. That's another thing I did with my enchantress spell, is make sure Hermione and Ron weren't allowed to like each other. Neville converted to Satanism and went goffik. He was a Slytherin now. Well, anyways, we went to Drako's black Mercy-Bens (geddit 'cause we're goffik, even though that makes no sense at all) that his dad gave him. We did pot, coke, and crack. Drako and I made out. We made fun of some stupid poser preps. We soon got there...I gasped.

Gerard was the sexxxiest guy ever! He looked even sexxxier than he did in pictures! (skipping past the part I already wrote) It turned out MCR was really...Volsemort and the Death Dealers!

"You moronic idiots!" he shot his gun off all angstily. "Enoby, I told you to kill Harry Potter! You have failed! And now...I shall kill you and Drako!"

"No, no, please!" we begged saddly, but he threw away his gun and took out his knife.

Suddenly, a goffik old man flew in on a broomstick. He had black lungs in his hair and black bread. He was wearing a black robe that had Avril Lavigne on it. He shot a spell at the imposter, and Volsemort ran away. It was...Dumblydore!

Chapter questions: What did Ebony neglect at the castle? How did Willow get resurrected? Will Willow get some help for her anorexia? When will the poser prep version of Voldemort stop being annoying? And why is Dumbledore dressed like that? 


	7. Chapter 6

AN: Okay, first of all let me say thanks to all of you for the lovely reviews! This next chapter is going up! And as always, I don't own J.K. Rowling's characters, or Tara's original My Immortal (thank God).

Deliriousity: You have been given a gift by God or somethin', cause this is a flipping miracle. You've made utter, mind-numbing CRAP hilarious and readable - think you could do this with the Twilight series? :o)  
Me: Thank you so much! As for Twilight, I don't think there is anything I could do with that, but maybe some day in the future, I will attempt a Twilight parody, just for you!

RunwithscissorsXXXbattlescars, thank you as always for all of your love and support! And yes, I'm glad you caught that quotation thing, it was deliberate :) Yes, Enoby is an enchantress. It was the only thing I could think of that would make sense for all these characters and plot points to be bending to her will. *shrugs* Yes, they only have cell phones because it literally says in the original B'loody Mary called the brooms xD And the castle bit will be revealed later on in the fanfic, I think O.o Also, thank you for your attempt to explain blonde faces! It sounds plausible to me.

Chapter 18

AN: I SAID STOP FLAMMING! If you do, then you are obviously a fucking prep! Fangz to Raven for the help n stuff, because I decided to be nice for once. YOU ROCK! N, you are not a nut. Seriously, no pecans or anything. Fangz for my sewer! How'd you know I needed a place to store this beautiful story? P.S. the only reason Dumbledore was wearing that stupid robe and stuff was he was trying to blend in to take down Volsemort and his Death Dealers, so there!

I woke up the next day in my coffin. What the fuck, did I black out?! I walked out of it without opening the lid, which caused me to be concussed when my head connected with the lid. "WHAT THE FUCK.

(The night before Drako and I had gone back to the skull (geddit it, skull because I'm awful at spelling?) Dumbledore had chased Volsemort away. We flew to the school on our brooms. We went to the common room and had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song. (I TOLD YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN.))

Well, anyways, I went to the Great Hall. All the walls were painted black and there were posters of poser bands everywhere like Ashlee Simpson and not Backstreet Boys, because let's be honest, every 90's kid listened to at least one of their songs.

"WTF! I shouted. This smelled like Volsemort all over. Harry, Neville, and Drako came over. We started to talk about who was sexier (once again, trance) Mikey, Gerard Way, or Billy Joel Armstrong.

Suddenly a gothic old man showed up with a black beard and hair. He was the same person that had chased Volsemort yesterday, except he had on white foundation.

"DUMBLEDORE?" we all gasped, even me because I didn't do anything to him.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort.

"Hello, everyone," he said happily. "As you all shall see I hath given the room a makeover? What do you think?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryffindor started to cheer. We goffs just looked at each other disgusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!

"BTW, you can call me Albert!" HE CALLED AS WE LEFT.

"What a fucking poser!" Drako shouted angrily as we headed for Tranfo'mation. We were holding hands. Harry looked really jealous. I could see him crying in a goffik Way (geddit, like Gerard Way) but I didn't say anything.

"I bet he's having a mid-life crisis!" shouted Willow.

But, in true Hermione fashion as being the only logical thinker, which worried me because it meant my trance was wearing off, she said, "Guys, I think Dumbledore is an imposter. And I think that imposter is Volsemort."

I was so fucking angry.

Chapter Question: Should Enoby and the group stop doing drugs so she won't black out? Will they stop having bad you-know-what? Is Hermione right about Volsemort? Are the characters trances finally starting to break?

Chapter 19- I'm not a nut, okay, I promise.

AN: PLZ stop flaming the story, if you do your a FOKEN prep and so super jealous okay!11 From knock un, I'm going to dealt with your men reviews!111 (Serious author's note, I have no clue what that sentence was.) BTW evonyd a POORBLOD, so there! That explains why she's such an awful person! Fangz to Raven 4m the help!11

All day we sat angrily thinking about Dumbledore instead of going to class. We were all so fucking pissed off. What if it was Volsemort? Well, I had one thing to look forward to- the MCR concert. It had been postponed, so we could all go, because even though we had gone a million times already, apparently I'm going to make you suffer through one more!

Drako was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad at me and started crying all hot and angsty (aren't entranced guys so hot?)

"No one fucking understands me!" he shouted angrily. He was wearing black baggy paints around his neck and a black die (geddit, because everyone wants me to die for writing this fanfic?)

"Accusing me? You think I did this to you, because you're totally right!" I growled.

"But-but-but"

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned, because apparently public confrontations turned me on.

"No! Wait! This is not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. Even though there was nothing to look at at all.

But it was too late. I knew what I had heard. My trance was breaking, it was confirmed. I went to the bathroom angrily crying. I whipped and wept on my skin. It made cool tears run down my feces like like Benji in the video Girls and Boys (Raven this is sooooo our video!) I TOOK OUT A CIGARETTE END AND STARTED TO SMOKE POT.

Suddenly, Hargrid came rushing in, because we all know you can't apparate on Hogwarts grounds.

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily, dropping my pot. "What the fuck do you think you're doing in the girl's room? How did you even get in?"

Only it wasn't just Hargrid, someone else was with him too! For a second, I wanted it to be Tom Rid or maybe Drako, but it was Dumbledore, which explained how he could get in.

"Hey, I need to ask thou a question," he said, pulling out his black wannabe-goffik purse. "What are you wearing to the concert?"

"You know who MCR is!" I gasped.

"No, I just saw there was a concert that a lot of goths and punks were going to attend," he said. "Anyway, Drako has a surpise for thou."

Chapter Question: Why does Tara keep writing the concert scene? Is this the moment we've been finally waiting for when all the real characters take over? Do you realize who Dumbledore is yet? Why is this the only chapter with a chapter title?

Chapter 20

AN: I said I don't care what you think! Stop flaming, ya preps, okay! Fangz to Raven for the non-help! Oh yah, btw the way I'll be on vacation to Transylvania for the next three days, so don't expect no updates or nothing. Let's be honest, you will all be dying to know what other crap I've written!

All day I wondered what the surprise was. MCR was going to do the concert again since Volsemort had ruined the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed to MCR all night, feeling excited. Someone knocked on my door, and I secretly hoped it was Drako so we could do it again.

"What the fucking hell are you doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "Are you gonna cum on me and rape me or what!" I yelled, because I made it so when I put everyone under a trance.

"No, actually. Can I please borrow some batteries?" he growled angrily.

"Yeah, so you can fuck your six-year-old girlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarcastically.

"Wanker," he said going away, probably because I was so rude when he only asked for batteries.

Then I gasped...Snap and Loopin were in the middle of taking pictures of the Giant Squid like I fucking thought! And Dobby was watching!

"Oh my Gods, you ludicrous idiot!" the shouted at me in sync, probably because they knew I was about to accuse them wrongfully of being pedos again.

Dobby ran away crying, because he saw what awful things I had done to his friends.

"WTF, is that why you wanted condoms?" I asked, even though he never asked.

"No, I WANTED BATTERIES!" Loopin shouted angrily.

"Well, you should have told me!" I replayed the scene for them, only I changed it to the two doing you-know-what naked and everything.

"You dunderhead!" Snap began to shoot his gun at me angrily and then I took out my black camera...and took a picture of the false scene! You could see that they were naked and everything!

"Well, excuse me!" they both yelled, "What was that all about?"

"It was to blackmail you!" I snarked on myself. "So, now, next time you see my boyfriend and I doing it, you don't expel me, or I will show this to Dumbledore!" I started to run, and they started to chase me, but I threw their joke wound at them and they tripped. Well, anyways, I went outside and there was Harry, looking extremely fucking hot.

"WTF, where's Drako?" I asked, thinking his trance had already come undone.

"Oh, he's being a bastard. He told me he wouldn't come. Something about you," Harry said shaking his head. "You wanna come with me? To the concert?"

As angry as I wanted to be at the possibilty of sane Drako, I agreed. Then...he showed me his broom, which he said his godfather Sirius Black had given him. On the handle, he had painted Enoby on it.

...I gasped.

We flew to the concert. MCR was there playing.

Harry and I began making out and moshing to the music, which let me tell you was fucking difficult. I gasped, looking at the band.

I almost had an orgasm, because as you all know, it doesn't take much. Gerard was so fucking hot! He began to sing 'Helena' and his sexxxah beautiful voice began to fill the hall...and then, I heard some crying. I turned and saw Drako, crying in the corner.

Chapter Question: What is Enoby's fascination with ruining Loopin and Snap's lives? Is Drako really still under the trance or has he hopefully resurrected himself?


	8. Chapter 7

AN: As always, no credit is taken for My Immortal characters or J.K. Rowling characters, but this parody is my own. I felt it was time for an update again xD Also, the 1's are intentional typos, because Tara goes like !111 frequently in the original.

RunwithscissorsXXXbattlescars: Ah, sewer. You have always been my bestest freeind.  
(The night before Drako and I had gone back to the skull (geddit it, skull because I'm awful at spelling?)  
I do get it! I get it indeed.  
Only one flaw- you're a bit TOO consistent in what you call Volsemort. Crap it up a bit more.  
I totally didn't expect that Enoby would gasp.  
Me: Thank you so much again for being an avid follower of my story! It means a lot :) Thank you for the constructive criticism, more people could give it if they want, I can handle it, promise! All authors need it to improve. And I know, Enoby is SO unpredictable, right? :p

Jesse Marshall: Absolutely epic! I love this a million times over!  
Me: Thank you incredibly much, author of one of my favorite stories right now! Seriously, you guys should go check out The Guards of Azkaban, really great read, you won't be sorry you did :D

Chapter 21

AN: FOK YOU OKAY! U, you fucking suck. It's not the nut's fault if its spelled incorrectly, okay, 'cause that bitch Raven 'cause it FUCK YOU PREPS! Whoopsies! *giggles* Sorry, Raven, gurl! So, thanks for the help. BTW Transylvania ROCKED HARDCORE! I even got to go to the castle where Dracula was filmed!

Later we all went into the skull of a dead giant. Drako was crying in the common room. "Drako, are you okay?" I asked in a goffik voice.

"No, I'm not, you fucking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He started to run out of the place in a suicidal way. But I was confused whether this new temper tantrum was because he saw me kissing another guy, or if he found out about my enchantress spell. I mean, it could really go either way. I was starting to cry bloody tears that I still had not gotten checked out, afraid he might commit suicide.

"It's okay, Enoby," said Harry comfortably, "I'll make him feel better."

And because I was so pissed off..."YOU MEAN YOU'LL GO FUCK HIM, WON'T YOU!?" I shouted angrily. Then I ran to get Drako. Harry came too.

"Drako, please cum for me!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his face into a pail at his feet. I was so turned on because I love sensitive bi guys. (If you're a homophone, which means words that are sound the same but are spelled different, then fuck off!)

And then...we heard the sum's footsteps! Fuck, they were coming back to get us for doing them! I told you sums were dangerous! Harry pulled out his black invisibilty coke. We both got under the coke can. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHO'S THERE?" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda the sea and started to meow loudly. You see, part of this spell, was I reversed Mrs. Norris and Filch's names around, and then changed them up a bit to sound original.

"IS ANYONE THERE?" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No, fuck you, you little preppy little poser SUN, fucking bitch!" Harry said under his breasts he only grew for this occasion in a disgusted way.

"EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME, WHO SAID THAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Then he heard Filch meow. "Filth, is there anyone unda the sea!" he asked, even though he had no idea invisible coke cans existed. Filth nodded. And then...Harry kissed me! He did it just as...Mr. Norris was taking of the cloak!1

"WHAT THE-" he yelled, but it was too late now, because we were ruining everything away from them. And then we saw Drako crying and busting into tears and slitting his wrist outside of the school.

"Drako!" I cried, "Are you okay?"

"I guess, though, I don't know," Drako weeped, because he knew I was about to place the trance over him again, which I did. We went back to our coffins, kissing each other. Drako and I decided to watch Lake Placid (C, isn't that a depressing letter?) on the goffik red bed together. As I was about to put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knock on the door and Fug and the Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1

Chapter Question: Why are so many people shouting angrily? Why were we so close to a cure, but then Enoby ruined it again? Who is Fug and the Mystery of Magic? Are they some kind of poser preps too?

Chapter 22

AN: Stfu! Preps, stop flaming, okay, if you don't like it fuck off I know it's Mr. Norris, obviously, because I made it so, it's Raven's fault okay! You suck! No, just kidding Raven gurlfriend, you fucking rock, prepz suck!

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. Well anyways, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin, and fucking hated being concussed, so I opened the lid. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me were...Hermione, Harry, Ron, Drako, Neville, and Willow! Were they here to mutiny?

I opened my crimson eyes, which was weird, because then how the fuck did I see them?

"OMFG," I yeilded them as I got up. "Why the fuck are you all here?" We all know I'm not nice to my friends.

"Enoby, something is really fucked up," Drako said. And I crossed my fingers in hope it wasn't me.

"Okay, but I need to put my fucking clothes on first!" I shouted angrily.

"It's alright, we have to go now. You look kawaii anyways. You're so fucking beautiful," Drako said in a seductive voice. Then I calmed down, because I realized this wasn't about the trance.

"Oh, alright," I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why you're being all erective. Seriously, I could see that boner in his pants.

"I will, I will," he said.

I came. We all went outside the Great Hall and looked in a window they had apparently installed overnight. A fucking prep called Britney for Gryffindor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt, so we put up our middle fingers at her, because how dare she just stand there and do nothing to us at all? Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledore. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there, too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"

"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE HEADMASTER ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD, AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"

"Very well," Dumbledore said angrily. "But, we cannot do this. We cannot close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and they are in the school. And their name is..."

Harry stepped up importantly, but Dumbledore frowned. "Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."

We all looked at each other...I gasped.

Chapter Questions: Is anyone else sobbing at the unfairness of it all? Why are there so many pauses? Can I continue this atrocity? It's only getting worse. I don't know if I can handle this. Why is Harry no longer the Chosen One? And can Enoby make it through a chapter without gasping? The world may never know.

Chapter 23

AN: Shut da fuck up, bitches!1 You're just jealous, 'cause I got 10,000 reviews! and no, they're not flames. Fangz to Raven for the help, and telling me about the books, even though it took her 23 chapters where people wanted to blow their brains out! Gurl, you rock! Let's like totally go shopping together!

The door opened and Professor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledore and Rumbridge sawed us in half. After we recovered...

"MR. WAY, WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!?" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore glared at her.

"Oops, she made a mistake!" he corrected her. "She means, 'Hi, everybody, come in!'"

We all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between the darkness and Drako and opposite Hermione. Crabbe and Goyle started to make some morbid jokes. I ate 8 pieces of bacon and drank some pumpkin juice from cup. Then I heard someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me. It was...Harry! He and Drako were shooting at each other.

"Harry, Drako, WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bastard!" yelled Drako at Harry. "I want to shit next to her!"

"No, I do!" shouted.

"No, she doesn't fucking like you, you son of a bitch!" yelled Drako.

"No, fuck you, motherfucker, she laves me not you!" shouted Harry. "SHE WASHES YOU! WHAT THE HELL!" Drako shouted. And then...Harry jumped on Drako! (No, not in that way, you perv) They started to fight and beat each other up.

Dumbledore yelled at them, but they didn't stop. All of a sudden...a terrible man with red eyes and no nose erupted from the Dumbledore disguise! He was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the windows fell apart. Britney, that fucking prep, started to cry. Harry and Drako stopped fighting...I stopped eating...everyone gasped. The room fell silent...Volzxemort!

"Eboby...Ebony..." Darth Valer said evily in his raspy voice, and then he took off his second rate mask to reveal Volefmort's face again. "Thou have failed your mission, I witnessed it with my own eyes as Dumbledore. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Harry as well. If thou does not kill him before then, I shall kill Drako, too!"

"Please don't make me kill him, please! I begged.

"No!" he laughed cruelly, "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling.

I burst into tears. Drako and Harry came to contort me into positions. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all freaky and gross. I had a vision where I saw some lightning flash, and then Voldremort coming to kill Drako while Drako slit his wrists in a depressed way.

"No!" I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

"Ebony, Ebony, are you alright?" asked Drako in a worried voice.

"Yeah, yeah," I said sadly as I got up.

"Everything's alright, Enoby," said Harry all sensitively.

"No, it's not!" I shouted angrily. Tears of blood went down my face. "OMFG, what if I'm getting possessed like in The Ring 2!"

"It's okay, gurl," said Hermione. "Maybe you should ask Professor Sinister about what the visions mean though."

"Okay, bitch," I said sadly and then we went.

Chapter Question: How does one that writes such horrible fanfiction get 10,000 reviews? Are you happy that at least the OC Dumbledore problem was explained? Will Enoby ever control her temper?


End file.
